Vanilla coke.

So- I was hungry upstairs in the den. I go downstairs, and all of a sudden, I am not hungry. I decide I want soda. There was Vanilla Coke- just enough for one glass. Walking up the stairs, I drank some, and so many memories came to me... like, Maria coming to State College.

I MISS MARIA AND EMILY.

It's been too long.

I. NEVER. thought I would say this- but I miss USC, I miss Pittsburgh. I wouldn't even mind coming back, to live, but only in this moment do I feel that. I'm a little sad right now. Things aren't great with Laura and Lauren, and it really bothers me because we were close and it doesn't feel like we are anymore. I have so many emotions inside of me and it doens't feel right to just scream them in here where everyone can read- not because anyone cares about my emotions, but talk - is only cheap to the beholder. I can name many who put a high price on gossip, and a firm belief other's words, their counterfiet heresay.

I want to scream all my anger at Hillary- but at the same time I want to apologize, just to make things better, because I don't want to make things worse. I guess I was mad- but I don't get mad like a normal person. When I'm mad, I don't yell or confront people, I pretend things are okay. I hold it inside and cry a lot about seemingly nothing and eventually it goes away.

I don't like it when people are mad at me. I suppose no one does.

But anyway. Laura and Hillary are friends- and that's totally cool, I never had a problem with anyone's relationships, but it seems like Laura.. I don't know. Doesn't really.. I duno. We had been talking about hanging out tomorrow. But I dunno. I'll call her.

Lauren- we had talked about her coming along tonight, I didn't get much of a chance to call her and

I really honestly think she would have had more fun at home... tonight was kinda weird for a little while, I don't know what was up, but hey, it's alright.

I always feel so calm, so normal, so alright until something I see, smell, hear, triggers Nate in my head- and nothing is right anymore. I am reminded of how frigid one can possibly be on the inside- worse that however low the temperature was externally tonight. I talked about this with Andrea- it seems like she totally understands what the hell I'm trying to say, even when the words don't come out right.

Just the smell of the vanilla coke makes me happy... brings back memories without visuals. They're feelings without faces, basically.

My contacts are fuzzy.

It's tough trying to make sense of everything going on right now- I say to myself.. Liz.. think. Come to a conclusion, dissect yourself and you'll figure out a solution, along with opening another door and learning more about why you do and say the things you do- and how you can control them.How do you control your feelings?

I sat down infront of my mirror and asked myself why I was giving up my battle. I haven't...fully given up, but I've allowed myself to think about him, look for him, do ..things I shouldn't. I thought you were going to fight it? Liz. You...need to. You know this.

I don't think I really do have true feelings for him anymore- but I'm, nevertheless, holding on, for fear of finding a new person, a new way to get hurt again. If I really did still like him, I would think about him more, and I wouldn't have those lapses where I do vaguely mention him to myself, and I'm like yeah- Nate-uh, whatever- then my brain catches on that I'm supposedly thinking about him- and I get sad. I'm tying myself to him, preventing future pain.

That is only a theory.

I'm very tired right now, my face needs washed. I don't want to do anything, I just want to plop into bed. Unfortunately, I'm not little anymore and I need to wash my face, brush teeth, take out contacts, walk around my room aimlessly.

That kinda stuff.

{these dreams are here when I close my eyes-In the shadows of the night, I walk a thousand miles-THESE DREAMS are here, when I close my eyes}-

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Liz

0 comments so far