I'm so tired of being depressed.

Mom left on her trip- she took her pills with her. She has depression, they make her happy, they make her normal. I wanted to look at the names and check them on the internet and maybe take some, too. I'm so tired of being depressed. I can't stand being stressed out, either. I'm so.. all these people who are mad at me. It probably comes from my depression, my attitude.

Sometimes I feel better- but it's weird, I push friends away in my mind- then I talk to them and want them around the more that is said.

this is only what I make it. It doesn't have to be like this- but I'm wondering- if I were to take the pills, or maybe just one, would I be happy? Would I be normal? Would my positivity fix my problems?

sometimes I'm so immature, sometimes I can take hold of my feelings and change the direction of where things are going. Like, in fights. I might get mad, but then I'll constrain it and turn my energy into something useful. I know I can be a bitch- but. I'm a smart bitch. That can be a good combo...

Talking online can be stupid.

But hey. I admitted my faults. Maybe I shouldn't have done that- but come on! I'm a normal teenager. I'm allowed. You do it too.

I'm wondering if I should lock this up. SOMEONE is bound to make fun of me, some asshole who thinks he's cool like Ivan or someone.

Someday I wanna come clean- about how much I hate everyone. Then maybe I'll feel better. It's like I'm so twisted inside, I'm so insecure, depressed, blah, whatever.

Yeahhh it always comes back to the shit talking-know what's funny? it doesn't hurt me as much as it did last year, because when she accused me- I KNOW I didn't do anything. I've never talked shit about Courtney, she's always been one of my favorite people. She never put me through any bad times (before this), she was always cheery and nice. So. Ya know. The truth hurts- which is why, when she accused me of talking about her- I didn't feel a thing. I hope in time we can grow to become friends again- but I really don't like that Jericka girl! FIRST she goes around telling everyone I liked Cameron (a while back) and totally demolishes any sort of friendship him and I had. She denys it. I try to be nice to her but it doesn't work, then this whole Adam Rhodes thing is WAY too stupid. She's such an idiot! I'm not even kidding- can't a normal person TELL when someone is either yelling, or talking? I was talking. ITS FUNNY HOW SHE GOES AROUND TELLING EVERYONE I YELLED AT HER. THAT. was a yell. this is not:

"Jericka, if you want to go with Adam to the dance, I really don't care". That's what I said, in an innnddooorrr voice. She must be pretty damned stupid if she can't tell the difference.

I'mhappy Lauren believes I didn';t "bitch" at Jericka. She can kiss my tight ass (because she doesn't have one of her own)

I'm gonna miss Courtney- but it's pathetic that she'd let some gossip turn her against a friend. We weren't too close, but we hung out and were pretty good friends. Yeah.. I'll miss her.

this is making me feel better. Liz is locking the diary.

You know what else? Mack Mixon can kiss my unpopular ass-he doesn't know the first thing about me, and he's judging me. He's a cocky asshole, I'm suprised that him and Nate aren't friends.

I don't know HOW I feel towards Nate. It confuses me. I don't 'hate' him as I constantly insist I do. I don't think about him much, and when I hear about him hitting on girls and stuff, mostly Sasha, it doesn't bother me very much. Thinking of him and Hillary makes me laugh- because I'm so much better than her all around. FIRST OFF. I have a waistline. And I have atleast one square centimeter on my face that doesn't have a pimple on it. And then- she's stuck up and mean, if you want a shit-talker THERE YA GO. She has NO personality- I know this. I tried talking to her on the phone numerous times and it was just..boring. She's no fun to hang out with, either.

Anyway. If Nate does like her- the more power to...well, neither of them, that's just gross. I HOPE he goes out with her. THAT. is funny.

Part of me rejects him. part of me thinks- no. He's bad, he's horrible, you don't want him. A small part of me still loves him, still needs him- but it's being taken over. My eyes see right through him. He's fake and immature.

Dad wants to go to Wegmens

Liz

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