I have a lot to talk about

Let's see if I can get this all out, all of it. It's like all this information and all of my thoughts are trying to fit out the same door- and they can't, there is too much.

Well, tonight I went to go downtown with (originally) Andrea, Cameron and Keenan. I kind of like it when it's the four of us, they're so real, those guys. What you see is what you get, and what I've got are some great guy friends. (TJ is in Florida, lucky kid). But, he's mean to me anyhow, so I don't miss him much

Anyway... after many a bus mishap and walking that damn path to toftrees (with SNOW, it was HORRIBLE.) Some weird guy on the bus...he was nice... but weird, outspoken for a high-voiced hick who's probably never gotten any in his life.

I need to be more positive and nice to people, and I need to give up something for lent that I actually CAN give up. I tried to give up trash talk, but it's tough.

I don't feel like I need to defend myself here, since the only other person who reads this KNOWS I don't go trash talking my friends.

If I am going to trash talk people, I'm going to do it in here freely, because nobody reads this.

Anyway, Cameron called my cell asking where we were. I was on the bus, and then we picked up Andrea which was funny. Keenan randomly did not come, so after many weird attempts, we got Bruno's number and he came.

Bruno has been weird lately, and almost annoying. I get this feeling, like I really do not want to be around him. I said I was going to have him over tomorrow with everyone else, but I don't want him to come. He feels so fake, he's not like what he used to be. I feel almost like I'm talking trash about him, but I'm not. I don't know how to ask him about this besides "Are you alright? What's on your mind?" to see if maybe he will open up to me, tell me why he seems so weird, almost annoying how he is trying so hard. He seems insecure, and reminds me of myself in a way, but I doubt I got this bad. I don't know what to make of this, but I don't want to be like Sasha or Shelby and just dumb my friends. Bruno, besides that one incident with Andrea online, has always been loyal and nice to me.

He used to be so outspoken and crazy and funny. He seems so calm, maybe too calm. There is some secret, something he's holding inside that he won't tell. It has nothing to do with us, otherwise he would not hang out with us, something else in his life has gone horribly wrong. I wish I knew what it was so I could understand, but I don't want to badger him about it. I just let him know, "if you ever wanna talk, I'm here..."

It seems like Jes, Peter and Sasha are having a game of "Who Can Write The Least Reasonable Entry Based On Nothing Involving Why We're Actually Fighting". I don't want to get in to this, because I KNOW it's not worth it. I have a billion other things to talk about besides them, their strong senses of self and their arrogance.

I want to kick the shit out of Sasha. I don't give two hoots about Jes and Peter, Jes has always been mean to me, and Peter...well. It's Peter. He's cheap, he's fake, he's a wigger. Who should care about him, anyway?

But Sasha. I trusted her as a friend once, and she is now exploiting my insecurities and... basically hitting below the belt when it comes to this stupid fight. She makes comments about Nate. What she doesn't know is, you can't force Nate to do that kind of thing. He would not have asked me out if he didn't want to. I mean, why would anyone in a sensible mindset want to start a relationship with someone else if they didn't want to? Nate is weird, but he's not stupid. He did it because he liked me, not because Sasha (who, if she could, would claim her esteemed excellence causes the world to rotate) forced him to. She told him to, yeah, but..another thing she doesn't know is, Nate and I always used to talk about our past. He had been planning on doing it, anyway. Sorry, Sasha. You can't take credit for that one. It was already said and done BEFORE you added your infamous two cents.

I've strayed. Anyway. We called Cameron on his cell and met him at Abercrombie, and walked to Panera. Bruno came eventually and we walked to the movie theater and got tickets for How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Then, went to Uni Mart and got snacks. Movie- it was good. Bruno got on my nerves because he was just being so...Not Bruno Ish.

Bruno's that kid that laughs and makes a nasty, yet funny comment. Bruno's that fun kid who is opinionated, and although he may say things to your face that you don't like or maybe rude... that's what makes Bruno, well, Bruno.

Or, it used to. He seems like he's fighting so hard within himself to basically...go against everything he's always been.

I don't like it.

I wish I could talk to him about it, it seems so rude to say. Hopefully I will find a way to ask him what's up, and get the real story.

So, we leave the movie and are walking down Caulder. We see Jared and Lauren, and I think, oh no. She hates me, Jes has surely turned her against me by now- because that's just another mean thing that Jes and Peter like doing. It makes them feel 'superior' to other people, or something like that.

Anyhow, Lauren gave me this huge hug which suprised me, but made me really happy (well, actually, she gave me a hug and I turned it into a huge hug because I was happy we were cool)

We all went to Ben and Jerry's, Bruno got a water, I think that was it.

Then... to Panera. This was seriously one of the best conversations I have ever had with anyone almost. Jared, Andrea and Bruno are on the couch, Cameron is on the easy chair thing and I pulled up a chair. Bruno got a pastry and I did too... and then Lauren and I got our usual I.C. Spices. We talked about Spring Break and how EVERYONE was gone but us. (and how we wish some people would go away and not come back) Can't we exchange Trevor, Zack and TJ for Sasha, Jes and Peter? If I ever unlock this diary, I can see Sasha reading that- I know exactly how she will react. She'll at first be mad, for a SPLIT second, then something in her mind will say "NO you can't let anyone know they got to you" and she'll laugh that loud laugh that she only uses when it's at someone else's expense. She'll IM Jes or Peter and say "HEY lol look what Liz has in her diary about us, lol isn't it funny, she's so immature and stupid, lol."

Then, I get a diary entry from one of them. They must not have enough constructive stuff to do or something, honestly, I don't have TIME to write whole entries about them and still write about my day. Maybe they need to go to a craft camp, you know, the kind where they make houses and stuff out of popsicle sticks just to pass time. Since when did a popsicle stick house offend anyone? Never! So- with the conclusion that Jes, Sasha and Peter need to go to a popsicle stick camp over Spring Break, I can move on.

So, we talk, and have a great time. We had this joke about Pakistan and it kept going. I threw crumbs at Cameron and he ate them. Cameron and Andrea are amazing. Why do people comment on their relationship? And, Cameron DOES want to fuck Andrea... (haha... we had a talk...)

Anyhow, Andrea left, and then Cameron left. I think Bruno left with him, leaving Lauren, because Jared left, too. She was getting a ride with me, but my parents were late so we got a chance to talk. It was amazing talking to her again. I came to the realization that nomatter how hard someone will try to look better than me and say mean things about me... they will never take one of my best friends away from me, not Lauren. She's very loyal and honest and trustworthy, and I'm really happy to have her as a friend. We've been through thick and thin, and we're still good friends- that is what it's all about.

So, I've been planning tomorrow since It's SB and we can do stuff on Sunday. I'm getting my hair trimmed at three, I WANTED to go tanning and I was thinking of bringing Andrea with me, but I dunno, mom seems to make even the simplest things difficult. Andrea and I were gonna go to Target, or Walmart or something and get haircolor, then rent chick flicks. Go back to my CLEAN house and Cameron and Keenan will come over (Lauren and Jared might too, it depends if Lauren is grounded.. I feel bad, my parents were horribly late getting us). We'll chill and do whatever, play with kitties, tinker around with Adelphia. The guys will leave around 10-10:30? 11? I dunno, whenever they want to. then, Andrea will sleep over (Lauren might too, depends if her mom will let her) and we're gonna do our hair and watch the chick flicks, or Adelphia. (Can you tell I'm still in love with that?)

Then, Monday, who knows.

Maybe I can like... give Andrea a chance to be with Cameron alone, if you know what I mean, haha. I always want that with my boyfriends, and it's frustrating if people are ALWAYS around. Maybe I'll be like...hey Keenan..wanna take a walk? How could I do that without seeming like I'm hitting on him? I'm uh, not. Keenan is a great guy friend and he's in love with Kate Hugill, two reasons not to like him like that.

Watch us not hang out with anyone at all tomorrow night. Somehow, our plans always seem to get messed up lately- today the buses, dumb parents, Altoona, Pittsburgh and the stupid bike path...what tomorrow? I have a feeling it will be fun, though. I already cleared having friends over/Andrea sleeping over with mom, and she was in a bad mood. Tomorrow morning hopefully she will be in a good mood- and I might even get more accomplished then? Like, allowing Lauren to sleep over if she says we can, and giving Andrea and I a ride to Target to get haircolor and maybe rent chick flicks...but we really don't need to do that since we have ADELPHIAAA and all...heeee...:-D

I'm so jealous of my friends... in a friendly, non-murderous or hateful way. I wish I had a boyfriend, or atleast someone to have a 'thing' with. It would be nice to have what Lauren or Andrea has, they're both with different guys and different relationships...but having good times. Jared kissed Lauren tonight:-D. She was soo happy... yes, I am really happy for her. She deserves this after all the shit she's been through with mean guys. Jared's a great guy and I know he'll be good to her. And Andrea, her and Cameron are great. They're so... timeless, like anyone could have had this kind of relationship two hunderd years ago, or two hundred years in the future. They don't fight and they don't have sex like wild animals like some couples do today. Maybe there is a connection? But anyway, I like who my friends have chosen to be with- they are great couples and I'm so happy that they are happy:-)

Friends who are depressed all the time and angry all the time annoy me to no end. Amanda D (pgh) is ALWAYS pissed, I just want to scream at her, she's always mad and she talks like she's black...ONLINE!!!! She never used to be like this!!! But, I would feel HORRIBLE saying things to her that were hurtful or mean, we've been friends forever, longer than almost anyone I know now... I couldn't say those things to her, I just couldn't. Maybe I'll bring it up in a nicer way, tell her she's changed, and nomatter what, I'll be her friend, but I'm wondering why she's so angry all the time? That sounds good.

I try not to be the depressed, angry friend. Sometimes I make refferance to the fact that I'm single, and I wish I weren't, and it makes me sad that I'm missing out. I try not to say it too much. I keep my thoughts to myself and it's not that bad, anyway. Being around other couples or my friends with their boyfriends- it doesn't depress me. I know sometime along the line, someone will come and I won't be single anymore, but for now, I am single. It would be nice to have a boyfriend, but there is no one to go out with. I wish David would get back from his vacation, I want to hang out with him and get to know him. I want him to get to know me, and maybe get some interest in me? That would be amazing, he's such a cool guy.

I don't think I have any homework over SB besides fixing up my poems and maybe working on the Science packet. I have to go running at Rec or IM for track, because I can't lose shape, not now.

I'm so tired, I think I'm going to go take out my contacts and go to sleep.

A year is a measurement of time, not length. Some people need to go to school and learn the definitions of words that we were supposed to know a long time ago.

This entry went on for a while, but that's okay. I want to look back on this when I'm much older and get a strong feeling of who I was- and learn from it.

Liz

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