I wanna write it but I can't

I don't need to give them fuel for their machines, their mouths, to keep moving...

i hate it here

NO ONE TALKS IN PITTSBURGH

and i know i can't just up and move there, or anywhere for that matter. mom won't let me go live wiht my aunt or my grandparents, (even though they took in my cousins)

i hate it here

im going to go on so many damn vacations this summer jsut to get away from everyone. i'll go to texas to visit my grandparents, i'll go to europe with the family,i'll go to some sleep away camp and an art camp and ill do cross country and have no time to do anything in august

i want away from everyone

and i need to stop talking about this. i can';t write in this diary anymore. people talk, talk talk talk talk talk talk. they read this and know they have power over me, they can squish me like a bug.

talk talk talk

i have to stop now, i have so much more to say- but i want SOMEONE TO LISTEN and there's noone. i'm repressing everything because there's noone

maybe i should call maria

talk talk talk talk talk talktalk

tomorrow is track meet and battle of the bands. i'm covering it for journalism.

i only ate a slim fast bar for dinner and im thinking about trying to throw it up, it feels so huge in me, like it's the reason i have wide sides, it's the reason i'm so alone

and i want it gone

i have no endurance, thinking about running the 400 tomorrow makes me cry. it really does. it puts an enormous weight on me and i squish and crumble under it, i can';t take it and i FUCKING KNOW I CANT DO IT and, it wont matrer if i tell myself i can... i'll just fail and disappoint myself further

i'm just okay at everything, im nto good at anything, i'm an OKAY runner and im OKAY looking and im an OKAY singer and im an OKAYm writer and im an OKAY person

i dont even know what to say about it, i just feel so defeated. everything brings me down

and nobody gives a shit. nobody wants to listen to me, hell, i don't even want to listen to myself. so i'm just here, being immensely sad and having nothing to do about it but be sad and wish i wasn't me.

i wish i lived in pittsburgh again. i had friends that cared about me and how i felt, and i cared and still do care so much about them.

every day was an adventure, interesting. atleast in 6th grade it was

i used to wake up and be excited about what was going to happen, because something always did

hell i hate it here

i cant even explain how everything is the same, everyone is the same, day to day i see the same people and they all say the same things and do the same things

im so tempted to go downstairs and eat like a pig, but i wont. im fat enough. mayeb if i go throw some of it up, i wont be hungry because throw up is gross, you know? and it will spoil my apetite

i think i might lock this diary soon. ill have people be like "LOOK SHE THINKS SHES SOOOO COOL TALKING ABOUT THIS SHE WANTS ATTEEENTTIOONNN"

i know because the people who will say this about me are the poeple who say it about everyone

my mouth is shut

wow i wanna go eat so bad

maybe ill just go to sleep and try and forget about it

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels... nothing... except for everything... uuuhhhgggggggg

went tannign today. it was cool. maybe people wont make fun of me for being pale or orange now. the only reason i fake tanned because people would make fun of me for being pale and say i was like a ghost and guys thought i was gross because of it, so then i was orange. damned if you do, damned if you don't- THATS HOW MUCH PEOPLE HERE CARE ABOUT YOU.

so i'll have a real tan now, and i might even get made fun of for this one. i should just hack all my skin off, see if they'd like it then.

im staryting to feel like spoiled goods or something, im falling into that category of girls who 'never go out with anyone' and if i ever get a boyfriend in the future people will be like "liz? really? thats weird" kinda how i feel when i hear about some random chick who i thought never did that kind of thing.

maybe i should wear a shirt that says "i give free blowjobs and you can see my boobs". maybe then.

maybe i don't even exist anymore.it's like im noones friend and nooen gives a shit what i do or something of course if i were to say HEY UOU'RE A BITCH... THEN i'd get your attention huh?

im not talking to anyone in particular there at all...state college as a whole

so many people are going to that meet tomrrow. i think im gonna shoot myself. im so stressed out that im crying. what if they laugh at me because i suck, im gonna try so hard but i dont know if thats good enough

ok this entry has been enough, you can go talk to 100 of your closest friends about what a loser i am

liz

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