It's weird. not a lot of people are on now.

after work, I came home and slept...since I hadn't made any concrete plans with Nick, and when he called at noon I was in the shower, and my parent's line in their room was still disconnected, and Teddy was in the basement...so. Nobody heard the phones ring from my room or the kitchen.

Today at work...wow. So much stuff happened and I saw so many people that I kept thinking "damn, I gotta tell Andrea, she'll get a kick out of this"...and she is away! I saw one person who only talks to me when his girlfriend isn't around, another person who Andrea sees everywhere (and now that she's gone, I guess I get to see this person...), another person who I couldn't figure out who she was until she was walking away and it made me chuckle (after I got over the initial shock of who it was). I saw the Vegetarian lady. She said she e-mailed me about the walk, I'm not sure if I got it. I'm also not sure if I'm vegetarian anymore... I feel horrible and disgusting when I eat the meat, but I can't live without it. I tried, and it was rough. I mean, I feel for the animals, and I don't eat that much meat. I can go a few days without it, but then I'll crave it again... it's probably the protein and other minerals and vitamins that you just don't get from pasta and fruits/vegetables.

Well. school starts in 17 days. I don't want to sound like I'm counting down, but, 17 days?? Man. I'm not sure if I want it to start or not, I mean, ... see. Every year I'd always be excited about school starting. The previous year, along with its ups and downs had faded into the past and I was ready to start anew.

Not this year.

Freshman year, which was just... one huge up then one HUGE down, seems to still be stuck on me. When I walked into the school a week and a half ago to get my schedule changed, I could still feel its ghost lingering in the air.

and I want to break out of it.

I wanted to scream "I'M STRONGER NOW. I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS WHEN I LAST LEFT THIS BUILDING, SO FUCK OFF!"

and it's true. Atleast, mostly true. I still have some of the same vulnerabilities, but I have better ways of dealing with them, and I have REAL friends to back me up when I can't. Ones that don't bring me down, but build me up, and I do the same for them.

I've got a toe stuck in freshman year, and something that feels like a hole in my stomach that keeps me from getting over it.

I don't want him anymore. I can't see myself with him now, someone so childish and so inexperienced and so immature. What I have now is much better, I feel like this one is more on my level. And we communicate... which is so vital in a relationship; communication.

I guess the other will always have part of me. But I'm letting go of it. He no longer has what REALLY matters. My heart.

I'm so sure of myself now in comparison to how I felt last school year. I believe I can do things. I believe I can keep friends, I believe I'm attractive and I believe I'm generally a good person, just with flaws like anyone else. I'm not a piece of shit, and I will never tolerate being treated like that again.

Right now, I'm sort of tired, and can't continue on this "go me" talk.

Luckilly, the memories are fading, and they can't hurt me anymore because they are too weak. As near and dear to my heart as they are, they still sting when something brings them back.

It's not like 9th grade was the only year I went to football games.

The 8th grade ones were better, anyway.

I have a feeling that homecoming will be fine. It was something that will stay in my mind, and be a pure, happy memory... but it doesn't hurt very much anymore. It's just a memory now, like everything that ever involved that person.

I wonder if Kevin will call tonight. I hope he does. I miss him.

Liz

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