I keep thinking I should update

then I never do

it gets to the point where I just have too much to say and don't feel like typing it out.

Well.

Lately I've felt so deeply alone. I suppose I'm happy, I have great friends and my family is alright, whatever- but, I want a boyfriend. I know that's stupid to say, I shouldn't be WANTING a boyfriend unless there is a certain guy who I'm already close to that I have in mind, but I don't have anyone in mind- I'm just lonely. I see Lance and Andrea and how happy and perfect they are, then Cameron and Lauren turned up at the Java house tonight, running in together all smiley and exicted. Some guy and his girlfriend I see together all the time were there, and they were just sitting, conversing like good friends,- and they looked so happy. Why can't I find that?

Sorry. I don't mean to be whiny or down on myself too much. I don't particularly enjoy feeling this way.

But the whole rest of the world seems as if it is in love- and valentines day is coming. I promised myself that I would have a valentine, finally, this year- but it doesn't look as if I will. I never do. No one seems to understand how much it bothers me either. I'll bet all the couples will do nice things for each other and it will be shoved in my face all day and I'll go home and cry. Just watch. If that really happens, I'll update, and let you know that my prediction was correct. I mean, that's what has traditionally happened throughout my history- why not this year?

I'm starting to feel like That Girl Who Never Has A Boyfriend Ever. Please, not a repeat of last winter, please- not a repeat of last year's second simester, that was horrendous- please, please, not that again...

I need to be more confident. I fucking hate how I have to act like I'm almost cocky otherwise guys will 'think I'm insecure' and 'not gain any interest in me'. Thats really how it is, or it's how I feel- I have to be sure of myself all the time and i fucking CANT, is that OKAY? I'm not cocky like I act it, I'm really unsure of who and what I am and where I'm going. I just don't want that PROJECTED to the whole world like it was last year. I was eaten alive by everyone.

I just have to have faith. Things happen for a reason, and for some reason, God hasn't sent anyone to me. I am supposed to be alone.

I should embrace this.

and I am tired. good night.

OH and Stars and Strife tonight...they were absolutely wonderful. Good job guys.;-)

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