he drives me crazy.

I'm crazy about him.

can't tell him, can never tell him

right when I decide I'm going to hint at something- most likely after we've had a good conversation or HE seems interested, things seem to get weird, but I may just be imagining it.

They also only get weird online. He's awesome to my face.

I'm just gonna say it tomorrow. I think you're really cool, we should chill sometime-

real casual

it won't FEEL casual.

This is like that Britney Spears song- except with a degree of uncertainty. I want so badly to totally beleive that what Julian said was bull; I know it was! What he said to Andrea was just preposterous- and what he said to me, I almost know is not true.

I have to have faith in myself and the situation. I have to be confident, and trust in how I feel and the decisions I want to make. I don't want to depend on my guy friends for advice anymore- it's all me now. I can't ever fully express how I feel, or the messages and signals I'm getting from him to anyone else- except maybe my girlfriends sometimes- but guys, I just can't. So how is their advice ever to be adequate if mu explanations don't do my feelings or my conversations with him justice?

They can't.

So, I have to trust myself. I KNOW deep down what I have to do- I know this has gone on for so long; my infatuation with him, and something needs said- something needs done. No more paranoia, no more wondering or whining, no more feeling like a nerd or tripping over my feet trying to make him think I'm cool, no more thinking so hard on the "advice" I receive that I forget to just relax and be ME.

Ha, so HERE GOES.

OPERATION DUCKY, that's what I'll call it- that's the nick name Sarah and I use for him.

there's just something about him, you know... I don't even find him that physically attractive anymore- I really used to, but then I saw him close up some and realized, he's not as hot as he is from far away- but that doesn't even MATTER. He's really cool (I could go INTO that, and give much detail, but I decided not to- I annoy even myself with that sort of gushing).

I'm gonna do something; something is gonna happen. I don't want to sit and wonder anymore- I'm gonna take action.

and if it doesn't work, I can just be sad for a bit, then hang out with hot swimmer kid.

who's not as hot due to the CRAZY HAIR- but still attractive and likes good music, so, ...cool.

tomorrow is the meeting with Cornwell. I'm a little nervous, I'm almost 99% sure I'm right. It started with an honest mistake, and it's going to end with her lies. (Like saying I had an F even BEFORE the test, but GUESS WHAT? I didn't throw out the grade sheet you gave me from the DAY BEFORE the end of the marking period. And it was not an F by any means).

I love my new world history class, it's amazing.

Ha, I have Led Zeppelin's "a whole lot of love" on REPEAT... wow, I've been so obsessed with this band lately. I never listened to them before because so many people already did, and I didn't want to seem like I was following some trend, or trying to be like everyone else, or copying someone or someshit. Plus I liked the music I was listening to at the time anyway. But. Dusty had a Zeppelin CD in, and I asked..who is this.. it's awesome.

So, I got into it.

And I realized

most classic rock is pretty sweet.

the bus is an awesome station- that I used to hate.

I'm pretty excited about this...new music revolution inside of me. I was getting a little bored with the new music coming out anyway- Linkin Park is annoying to me, so is Evanescance, ok, synthesized shit is not cool! Go get a life, or some talent, or something!

Some stuff is alright- but wow. I should have listened to all this sooner. It's a totally new, better world

ha, listen to me, talking about a music genre like that.

Well- I should get to sleep- CHOIR tomorrow morning, might see Sam when I walk over- (who I talk to again now!!), ah, he's really cool, and a lot easier to talk to now that I don't have that crush on him. Hillary better be in choir, she makes it bearable. I'd go high if it weren't for the fact that I'd have to be high for the rest of the day too, and I don't wanna. Just 1st.

Been driving lately... June 14th, as of now. Last day of school. I want ONE MORE snow day, so I can DRIVE to school on the last day, and do somethin afterwards- like drive somewhere with Andrea and Sarah and Laura or someone, maybe some boys will be involved, who knows, who cares! School..can just end.

Track season still to come. Been running, doing strengthening. I want so bad to be fast, to be really good. There's no point in doing it if you're not decent, meaning...good. Because then you just go to practice, waste time, and never reap what you sow, so to speak.

Haha, this moring, James, Joel and I were supposed to meet at the foot of the stairs, then go to the library for English (we're doing decades- I'm in the BEST MOST AMAZING GROUP and we're doing the 80's!!!), but anyway

I go there and they're not there- I assume they didn't see me and left, so I go upstairs, to see James wandering around. He said he was there, and didn't see me or Joel- and Joel isn't in the library, and the bell has rung. So we decide to go down the stairs and look for Joel. He's not there.

He comes to class about 15 minutes later all "Oh, forgot to tell you I had an appointment!"

hahaha, Joel.

I cleaned out my fishtank yesterday. I guess I dislodged a plastic plant when I poured clean water in, because it is now floating. Ha. It's sort of leaning against a tube for the bubbling treasure chest- so it's not going anywhere..just..floating mid-tank. It's rather humorous- looking.

Did I mention I'm going to senior prom with Hanjoo? Ahahaha

ANDREA AND I ARE GOING TO KING OF PRUSSIA AT THE END OF SPRING BREAK, I'VE SAVED UP SO MUCH, I'M SA-OOOO EXCITED!!! aahhh we're going to have a killa time.

Hillary is going to Cancun... I'm jealous.

I'm also tired.. goodnighhhttee

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