i wrote an entry yesterday. but ...see, I have this new laptop. and it did something weird and the entry was lost.

it's probably a good thing. 95% of it so far had been basically trash about someone... someone that I'm not sure how to feel about right now. The entry made it obvious as to what had happened- and maybe the world just shouldn't know. It makes everyone involved look really bad. We all did stupid things.

She wrote me a note. I haven't read it. A friend told me that it will make me feel sorry for her, make me cry even. I don't WANT that- I want some self-respect. All my life, I've forgiven anything anyone had ever done to me, and "forced" myself to forget about it (repressing emotions),...do you know how fucked up that makes you?? You keep telling yourself, it's okay, it's okay, and then you have angry feelings and you do shit to people, then when you try to relate to how someone is feeling towards you, put yourself in their shoes... you get paranoid because you think, well I do shit to people, why shouldn't they do it to me.

It's vicious.

I want self-respect.

I can never take him back now. It makes me so happy, the feeling of it. How I'm HAPPY we will never be anything again. How I could..NEVER DO THAT TO MYSELF...again. How he doesn't deserve someone like me, how he never should have gotten EVERYTHING he got from me...ever.

I gave him so much.

too much.

but there's someone else now...he just signed on. Hehe, he has my signature "MOOO" alert for guys I like.

AAAaahhh ok so boys.

there is this guy

and i hung out with him like..2 weeks ago. yea. almost. and i liked nick a lot, but this guy was cool and HOt hot hot hot soooo it was chill. but I didn't like him. we exchanged screen names..and talked. a LOT. (he was going on vacation soon after that sooo he couldnt hang out. a.k.a. he got grounded and jsut refused to admit this to me, hahah). he's so cool, and it was sooo easy to talk to him then.

so he leavevs for vacation

and a BUNCH of bad shit happens with nick, like... i'll leave it with that.

and i decide, you know what. this other guy is mad cool, he's so hot and nice and fun,...i'm gonna like him.

and now

it's hard to talk to him

how CHILL. is that.

no.

anyway.

so i did a lot of random things while hillary was gone

AAHHH I HATE HOW LOSERLY I AM TO BOYS I LIIIIKE...do you ever say things that sound RETARDED and you're like, WOW why did I SAYYYY that!

im gonna try a different approach with this one. no more mind games. whne we hang out more im just gonna..tell him i like him. and see what happens. i dont want to waste time and energy/emotions anymore. blah.

anyway, while hillary was gone

i saw Ivan at the airport! then hung out with Jes and Al some, which was pretty damn cool cos I never do that. we kidnapped Ivan and took him to lunch with us. I chilled with Sarah and Lauren a lot, and got TWO tickets cos i accidentally ran a red light after curfew. We went to Agustins and saw people there many a time. Arts fest was cool for the one day I was there. Chris Freyvogel= one of my favorite people.

yea and i was grounded for like two days. And yea, did a lot of Lauren Machon hanging out. I missed her a lot. I'm happy I'm not anyone's puppet anymore.

tonight was sweet...SAW HILLAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME! AHH. and saw boy downtown JUST long enough to do the "call me!" thing with my hand (i was driving and he was with his uncle- you can't IMAGINE how hot he looked).

Haahaha so Keith told me to call him, but he wasn't picking up, so after Hillary and I went Wal*Mart crazy, we dropped by Agustin's, cos Keith lives there now. Well ok. So we knew Keith was not going to be there- he was at work. But we wanted to see who was there- (there are always people hangin around)- and to see if possibly boy was there. You know how it goes.

So we get there and only Augustin and Kyle are there and it seems as if they're about to leave. Kyle's like "yo...what's up" and all chill and stuff, and Augustin is like "Um. why are you here. " and i told him i was just seeing if Keith was around, and he said "no. CALL before you come" and we were like, wow, ass, and left.

we didn't actually call him an ass. but we thought it and kind of acted like we were upset...twas somewhat obvious!

and then we met up with Caitlin downtown (after seeing boy, Hillary yelling his name and me mouthing CALL ME! and making a call me symbol wiht my hand)...and the three of us went to Nikos's, there were SO many people there. These girls who were really chill invited us to go party with Larry Johnson and some of his friends (WHatta fuck!) but i had to be home by curfew cos of the tickets! it sucked. Plus Hillary was chillin with Blake, and that was cool.

It was so sweet being downtown, I saw so many people that i had missed while I was under my 3-day house arrest!

Then, we left. took Hillary home, took Cait and Christen to Caitlin's. She lives really close to boy...she showed me his house, heh.

then got home like 15 minutes past curfew. Old habits die hard eh!

(except it was like, an hour and a half before. My parents sleep wonderously).

got online. you know. watched half of my so-called life, which was the most relate-able episode ever... I felt like i WAS that girl, that i AM angela. In this episode.

It was called "betrayed". that...is all that needs said.

i almost cried.

Keith called. He was like. "yea agustin..has been such an ass lately.... he made out with my girlfriend"

wow, now what the fuck

then colten from lock haven is liek "YO IM IN TOWN" and im liek..yo..im at home.

and then...boy got online. and hes the only person im talking to at the moment, cos thats how it always is....when i talk to him until weird hours of the morning. NOW he needs to mention the fact that we're sposed to chill...cos im not gonna. ALTHOUGH, in my new system, technically, I should. it's the "not hard to get...not easy to get...just normal person" kind of thing. i'll let him know that i like him when the time is right. like. i'll come out and say it. to him. maybe even to his face. i'm good at making things seem really casual.

who else could he be talking to right now? that's right! no one. (his friends don't seem like the type to be up talking to people at this hour...but who knows).i could be talking to others, but i told them brb.

yea i'm cool.

hoobastank's song...i don't know the name. it's a good song. me and hillary listened to it in my car as i opened her presents. it was incredibly...calming.

everything has been emotional lately. I mean... I'm on my period. THAT could contribute. Also, all that shit that happened... it just built up.

gaaah i hate being paranoid.

so work today was cool. met MY SOULMATE. YUP. MYYYY SOULMATE. I HOPE THE CAPITAL LETTERS DRAW PEOPLE'S SCANNING EYES TO THIS SECTION. I MET...MY SOULMATE! his name is Kirk and he was a helping hands guy (this was his last day). He's Polish, Catholic, a steeler's fan, nice, funny, and attractive. OK! soulmate!

ha yea he's 22. shut up

SOULMATE! SOUL MATE! AAHhhha

ok sooo i dont know for a fact that he's a steelers fan. Billy said he probably was, but you know...i'm gonna say he is. it makes him like...100% perfect, than when i didn't know...he was 79% perfect. it jsut pushes it up all that way- my man HAS to be a steelers fan! him and my daddy will watch games together:-).

why does boy not talk much now? or does it just SEEM that way cos I like him now and I'm on the laptop and not the slow piece of crap computer.

yea i never update, that's why this is so long.

"is there a line that I could write...

sad enough to make you cry?

all the lines you wrote to me were lies"

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