maybe i don't think anyone else changes but myself, maybe that's how everyone views everyone else because they can only see the changes within themselves.
started basic drawing today. it was a good class in the fact that mrs. foy has a lot to offer to her students, but so many of them don't even seem to care to learn it. luckilly the only table with an open seat was the table with people who atleast take it half seriously.
I want to learn how to draw! I want to paint- i wouldn't give up my 7th period study hall to fuck around.
I haven't been to community service in a long time. Mostly because I've been sick, and I always feel quasi-pointless when I do go, although I've formed an attatchment/ caring for some of the residents. Especially one, who reminds me ...distantly, of my deceased grandfather. pappie.
Grandma called tonight. I missed the call and called back. She has alzheimer's and tends to repeat things, but it's gotten to the point where nothing she says in relation to that bothers me. I'm just happy she's still around to converse with, she's still around to reminisce with. Even if she doesn't quite recall what I'm talking about. Those Saturday nights at my grandparent's house with Teddy and our jammies and the country singers with their long hair... "Lizbet! she's got it down to her feet, come look now"...and all the random food they had. Pappie's garden, the tomatoes he was so proud of.
the love that enveloped us all like a warm blanket.
I need sleep, honestly, the less sleep I get, the more paranoid and less social I am.
I'm becoming almost introverted, I think, and obsessed with this new idea of getting high by my lonesome to write and paint.
I hate weed though. I really do. It makes my heart feel funny.
And also I was thinking about something today that someone else, I just now saw, said in her diary, and she's right.
at first sex was this fun, new thing and i was like, ohhh it's with Matt, I'm not a ho, and it's fun, this-and-that.
but now that he's gone and I've had time to think a bit, ... I really wish I hadn't done it with Nick- and YES i did it with Nick, his penis was inside me for a duration of time, NO he didn't get off but it counts, so don't even try to say it doesn't. I bled and cried for an hour or so after he left, does THAT not count too? I went through this...emotional trauma when he blew me off for days after it then blocked me, tell me that doesn't count. I lost my virginity to Nick Roberts and if I have ever REGRETTED ANYTHING that I HAVE EVER DONE in my life, it is having sex with Nick. Trust me, I'd take it back and render it completely nonexistent if I only had the smallest chance. But I can't. There was a condom used, there was penetration, he didn't stop even though I said it hurt. It counts.
Sex with Matt is nice, it really is. The more we do it though, ...well no, it's still pretty amazing. It's Matt.
But I used to say to myself "I'm this old and still a virgin" and I was proud. Now I'm not.
Plus i think the sex gave me a urinary tract infection which isn't great and I'm certainly not trying to get one again, seeing as mom asked me suspisciously about it.
Goodness. I'm so tired. The more tired I get, the more fed up I get with things and really, some things and people I just need a break from. This is why I don't much like getting online, it keeps me up.
So I turned that research report in. It is a PIECE of shit. Ohh man. Atleast SOMETHING got turned in
and shut the hell up, I got an A on my precalc test last week so it's nooooot so bad.
I don't really like talking anymore. I used to. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but I feel like everytime I open my mouth, I open myself up to ridicule- which is normally silent and behind my back. So I just don't talk. I go about my business- classes, work, community service...
Matt, Matt is the only person I am COMPLETELY comfortable with. He's NOT just my 'boyfriend' by any means, no. I can honestly say anything, be anything, feel anything, and he's there, ... what would I do without him, honestly, honestly, it, just boggles my mind - how did I live without something like this before?
We only get into tiffs about politics. After the debate last night, I'm beginning to feel Bush more anyway. Kerry... well, all I can say is "I have a plan.
But not really.
Can You Tell."
ABK?
I hate being crazy. I hate being hyper. I hate pretending to be sexual. I hate being something I'm not.
I hate being tired.
I hate hating things.
but I really love life, in general, I appreciate the senses.
Now off to do math homework, then sleep, and hopefully wake up not nearly half the cynic.

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