everything is kind of fucked up right now.
im running. i feel like if i were to stick around they wouldn't like me anyway, and they'll find me out, they'll see i'm not really what i claim to be. they used to hate me, why wouldn't they now.
maybe they did something i keep thinking and hoping that i did too-- matured.
so instead of fighting it out and keeping friendships that are wonderful, i get scared and intimidated and push it all away
and it's so easy to stay with the safe ones, the ones you're not close to who don't know you well enough to see right through yet. and the boyfriend who says he loves you nomatter what, and consistently proves it after you piss his best friend off and flip shit on your brother.
and i feel like such an asshole for everything. especially tonight. that was such an asshole thing to do.
but mentally i can't take it. i can't take how i act different and i can't take how 'everyone gets sick of me' and i can't take how i say something wrong at the wrong time without meaning to, i can't take myself anymore.
and that's why i don't talk, i can't stand what i say. if i do talk it's normally thought out way too much or not thought out at all because i can't find a happy medium
and everything i've ever been is everything i don't want to be.
i hate being insecure i hate being at this point still and i hate the fact that maybe i'm not and that's just how this situation makes me feel.
i like pushing myself inward then releasing it through a pen onto paper, or anything really. i like thinking and feeling mental anguish because of something...certain somethings
and this is really me going through some inside trauma, some mental confusion, some identity crisis and not thinking anyone will really be there. so i surround myself with those that, if they're not there, it's alright because we're not even close.
i just have no faith in anything- first of all, myself.
and i'm almost 17. some sort of decision has, has GOT to be made. i HAVE TO KNOW what i want to do, and i think i found it, i mean i really like art, all this anguish and confusion- CONFUSION that i feel inside myself can be expressed NOT through my words but through my creativity. i like drawing and i wish everyone would take that class ten times more seriously...unless they, unlike myself, do not plan on going into higher art classes.
why would you waste an elective like that? i sit there and pay attention and try to learn because i really, really want to. the guys at the table to my left throw paper footballs. the ones to my right laugh at their own jokes. the girls in the other tables giggle about boys and occasionally pay attention. the girls at my table are alright. they're pretty mature and seem to like the class enough.
this is why matt and i get along so well, i think. we both suck at life. hardcore.
so i hope painting is still being offered 4th next simester. that will make my life.
so i have alot of homework to do still. i think i'm doing alright in my classes.
GUESSES:
Chem: A..i know i hve a 90%. so that's not really a guess.
Adv eng: B+? I just wrote a killer paper AND gave a kickass presentation, so let's hope it's up there.
Precalc: 82%...i know this one too. it better get ...better. i'm putting a lot of work into it. my last test was an A!
US History: B, probably. That essay i turned in was a piece of shit, not gonna lie. but my test scores are always amazing.
So, i don't know where to go from here.
i know things should be fixed but i've lost so much faith in not only it, but myself, i don't even have the strength anymore.
and i'm so tired. so tired all the time. i was at goins's with matt tonight and everyone was there chillin...including erin simpson, haha, and i fell asleep. WHY??! do i fall asleep everywhere i go.
and maybe art isn't a good major to do and maybe i should have checked something more practical on the PSATs besides "fine art"...like psychology or something. do i still like it?
IM SO DAMN TIRED ALL THE TIME, I DONT HAVE ANY MOTIVATION, I JUST WANT TO SLEEP, I DONT EVEN WANT TO DO WORK OR THINK ABOUT WHAT I LIKE, I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. MY VISION IS ALWAYS BLURRY AND I CANT THINK AND I .DON'T. THINK BEFORE I DO OR SAY THINGS, OR I THINK TOO MUCH. why am i SO FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME?!?!
DAMNIT
im going to sleep, which won't help the problem because it never does, ever.

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