goddamn.
.
.
.
.
i'm so amazed. by everyone. everyone has matured so much. everyone's diaries are just so...insightful, i'm so set back.
this weekend was amazing. i didn't have to work. basically that meant i got to see everyone a lot more- being matt and my friends, but mostly hillary which was so good.
i appreciate her so much. she might not know this. but we drove out to a farm kind of close to her house on Saturday and it was awesome, we looked at pumpkins and talked about what we used to do when we were little and how we used to have such strong traditions about hollidays with our families and it was wonderful, and it made me see what an incredible person she really is.
and i think about those few people who don't like her. just like a few people don't like me. but. those people... i realized...they're the most shitty people. they LIVE to party and get drunk with their "friends"-
not to say I don't get drunk sometimes. I do. I haven't for a week and a half now. but the point i'm making is-
you know what..never mind. everything i can ever say here...everyone else already sees. and i should take after those i am now admiring so much for centering their attention on their lives.
my 'l' key sticks. boo.
i've kind of let myself go...i don't ever work out and i eat whatever i want, and i have been gaining some weight. not a lot. but i have a bit of a tummy.
and i look at myself in the mirror, before i go to school, or whenever
and i notice that i'm not a stick, and i see that i have some curves and, a tummy, and i
i really like it
for some reason, i gain self respect from knowing that i like my body, that i'm alright with my appearance. because i never was before. and now, i'm just comfortable. and it's such a nice feeling.
:eats a crunch bar:
indoor track starts......onnnn the 15th and i should work out to get in shape so i don't die on the first day. I'm happy Chels-a-ee is doing it..she's my bud.
SO let's see, what's new? School isn't doing well, in fact, I should go do homework soon,... ehhhhhh
Matt...well, we got in a tiff Saturday. I said some things i should never have said because I'm sure they made him feel horrible, and he got upset, and then I felt really bad for what i said... and then I, as planned, went to hang out downtown and walk around in costumes (I WAS A COWGIRL) with Hillary, Lauren and Allison...I didn't let how things were with Matt ruin my time. I think I'm finally starting to be able to control my emotions some more, because I had an AMAZING time Saturday, we had so much fun driving and seeing some Panera workers and just being happy and getting hit on (although I thought about Matt any time any guy was flirty with me). I saw Elijah from work! hehe I heart Elijah. AND THERE WAS A VAGINA COSTUME AND SPERM COSTUME but they had not come down together SO we saw them and told them to unite, yes.
Matt came over after my fun downtownness...
my parents were sleeping and Teddy was in the basement, so we were alone. At first, he just hugged me. And there was this strange tension in the air; i wondered if I should apologize? Had I been forgiven already, because he knew I didn't mean it? But, that didn't change the fact that I SAID it.
I hate the school year. it stresses me out. so things build up and I FLIP on people I'm close to. I flipped on Hillary on Saturday too, and ...it was just REALLY wrong of me.
but...you know, I forget how the conversation went with Matt. We talked. worked things out. I explained, or tried to, and I felt as if just saying I was sorry didn't give justice to how badly I felt about hurting him.
but we talked. and all the tension, that was there earlier, that was there at that time, it all just disappeared.
i said. you know, i get so afraid we're going to break up when things like that happen.
and he said. if we could break up over something that stupid, then obviously everything we had just didn't matter.
...and he's right. everything with him is so...different, than ever before. it's going on !3! months now. which is long for me,- but i don't even want to compare him to anyone else. I don't want to say..he's BETTER...because, people aren't BETTER than each other.
We just...work. Matt and I. He's one of my best friends, on top of being my boyfriend- I can talk to him. He's smart, he can talk back. (haha that sounds...strange, but it's important).
and i don't want anyone else. Sure, I think guys are attractive, but it stops there. The other day, - ok-
So there's these guys in my basic drawing class. one i think is really cool and attractive and i told the other one this. the other one said...dump you boyfriend
and i was like. nah. i love my boyfriend.
and he was like alright whatever
but i thought about it, i imagined matt in FL next year and me possibly being with this other guy- him or andy johnson- RARR...
and ...eh. i wouldn't want another relationship-
which is WHY- andy johnson- RARR.
except right now i'd never do anything with him cos ...he's not matt. and i want matt to stick around.
but if matt had been gone for months and we had broken up, i mean, andy johnson is always a fun option.
assuming i wouldn't still be pining for matt, which is a definite possibility.
i think i like everyone right now. there are some people i don't like for the STUPIDEST reasons so i won't even say anything, because it's just based in...me being dumb. they didn't DO anything.
but basically i like everyone. everyone has been cool and nice, because it seems that we all realized that in 2 years, the only thing that matters is what the hell we want to do with the 8709658796 rest of them, not who fucked who at a drunken hotel party.
although that is interesting for light chat, i won't lie.
but BASICALLY we're all like, oh shit, we have to go to college and find ourselves because we're all individual people, we can vote in the next election, we're almost adults and our opinions are going to matter and maybe even be taken seriously and SO we ought to form some methinks?
:burp:
man i love writing in here sometimes. i wish i could like my homework so much
i think i'm gonna go to penn state. the other day durin 8th period laura and andrea were talking about ...renting a house downtown. which i thought was..really sweet, and i told hillary. i dunno if we'd live with andrea and laura or not, we were talking about it as if we woud. no doubt that would be CRAZY fun- i mean, me, hillary, laura and andrea. would we EVER sleep? no. didnt think so.
but who knows, maybe they'll live somewhere else
and part of me doesnt want to live with ANYONE from highschool. part of me wants to go off on my own and find my real self and make a life for myself- kind of what jessie seems to be doing. she's going to altoona all on her own, with strangers, and she's going to be strong and make friends and be/find who she really is. so i'm torn. i want to stay with my highschool friends because they're my shelter from the storm, they're where i feel at home. but i also want to go out into the big world all alone and tackle it head on, and make my life.
so who knows, right? I still don't know what I want to do. I'm so jealous of Jes. She has a passion for photography and knows...that's what she's going to do with her life. I want a passion. I want to find something to do with my life, that I love like that. I hope it will come out of hiding in the next year or so, and I can pursue it. My grades aren't going to support shit though...Penn State... I'm lucky. I really am.
I guess I have a lot to think about. And a lot to do.
damnit.

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