hotmail deleted my account cos i didn't check it for 31 days:-(
i never have time to sit online anymore. right now i should really be doing homework or sleeping, i worked from 4 until 9 tonight,
mom is still not letting me have the car. if i cant find rides to work, then i just dont GET there and i could lose my job. i told her this. losing a job is not a good punishment. taking the car away from me so i cant drive my friends around IS. punishments are supposed to just take away wants and extras, not necessities, correct?
and she said
well maybe next time you'll think
and i thought
well maybe YOU should have fucking thought when you screamed at me, when you screamed at Hillary, maybe you should have held your tongue, stupid bitch.
i told her to stop looking at me as if i'm just a pawn that she can control. i told her...i'm a person too. try and see me under that light
she said she did.
no she doesn't.
my dad does...he's really my favorite parent. he's one of my favorite PEOPLE. he's such a realist, he NEVER plays the victim and he always comes out on top. he's strong and secure and thinks my mom is being overwhelming with her rediculous punishment. we discuss things more now that he is practically my chauffer once again.
sigh
it's like i'm without a liscence once again, getting picked up by ole dad.
i got insecure about it today, and i felt gay. but now that i REALLY think about it...it doesn't actually matter and i should continue striving to be that person i want to be- who is calm and collected, mature and happy because she makes mature decisions and tries to follow the right path.
when i say 'right path'- i dont mean... clean cut.
i mean... what's right for ME. I get my homework done now. I drink OCCASIONALLY and haven't actually done so for maybe two weeks now, or longer. I also smoke occaisionally- and i don't need to prove myself to anyone. people say "oh thats bad i dont agree with your judgement" and then a week later, they do it themselves. so why should i trust what they think, why should i allow them to judge my decision?
my grades are looking good now. There's the occasional mishap, but it's alright. I allow myself some slack- but as doc said "enough to hang myself with"
(this was freshman year and he said it to the WHOLE class).
I've skipped a class or two this year. I've not made it a habit and it's an indulgence I partake in very sparsely.
Mostly...when i know i can get away with it
but also i know i should go to class when i'll need to learn something. the classes i have skipped, all like... 2 of them... ONCE US History a long time ago, and twice chem- and we were either watching a video or going over a test.
but also i should shut up, there is NOTHING i need to prove and my decisions are my own. my only critics of this skipping are people who have SKIPPED THEMSELVES more than i probably have. 3 times.
basically- i feel- that as long as my grades are looking like A's and B's, then I can smoke and drink every now and then.
I thought about what I wanted to do tonight, at work. I was on cafe and I was talking to the bus boy, who I used to think was weird and disconnected but actually, he wants to be a chef and is applying to culinary arts schools, which I thought was really interesting.
I'm considering Psychology again. I like people, I like interacting with people. I like making people feel good. I have 3 credits. You know.
I like school, generally. I hated it for a while but now it's at the point where I think it's alright. I have a lot of friends. that's nothing new, I guess- but not a whole lot that I hang out with outside school. I only feel TRULY 'at home' with Hillary, Jessie and the crew. It's hard keeping it together sometimes though, I don't understand things and I wish I did. Then maybe one of us would and could make it easier for the other.
I just really need friends. Hillary's birthday party was amazing, it reminded me over and over again as to why I need my friends and how wonderful I can feel around them. It was a nice sober time with a faulty pinata and bubble blowing contests. Everyone there was just generally happy to be there, and it was really great.
So it will never be like- I only want my boyfriend. I tried that, and I guess I was kind of happy, but I was sad deep on the inside because I need my friends, I need my 'home'.
Matt is wonderful though. Honestly, he really is. There was a very convincing rumor that he had cheated on me- and I did believe it for a while. I interrogated him and talked to him and reasoned with him and said to him, if you want to do things with other people, don't commit to me, it's okay, i said, i'll find out if you're lying, you know i will, please just tell me the truth, i said, why would that girl just...make that up?, i said, you would tell me wouldn't you?
and he would. i know he would. i have complete confidence in him. i know him better than those who still accuse.
honestly, he's so in love with me. and how do i know this? how am i not a naive, stupid girl who is blinded by her dreams and not reality?
why would he call me all the time, why would he always want to see me and hang out with me, why would he give me stupid pet names and always remind me of "how i killed Matt Fish' and always want to take me out to places like pizza hut, he always pays, it's not cheap for budgets like ours. why would he look at me the way he does?
this isn't recent. it's been like that the whole time, plus so much more. he did not cheat on me, he would never.
it's almost four months, and it amazes me how i can still think about him while i'm waiting for customers at work- and get lost in my own mind with thoughts of him and us- and then i'll snap back to reality with a huge dorky smile on my face. usually I'm happy like that for a few weeks then I get annoyed or something and don't really like the guy anymore.
but Matt isn't just.."the guy"...some guy. he's Matt, he's absolutely wonderful and perfect.
he visited me at work today!!! I was on cafe so almost no one was there, and it was really nice to see him because i wasn't going to later.
reality: i don't nearly see him every day. i work moday, wed and thurs. i see him tuesdays, and saturdays because i like to have fridays with friends.
and maybe sundays now that i don't work.
sigh... i remember last year, indoor track. we were running BACK from the creamery. It was Andrea, Chelsae and I. Andrea was talking about Lance and she said something to the effect of "Being in love is so amazing"- and I remember how she always used to look so happy after seeing him. And now, that's me too!
I used to think, I wish I had a boyfriend, anyone, I just want one!!
but really- no one can be happy with just ANYONE and no one should just...settle for something (a-la- nick roberts)
it amazes me how well Matt and I get along. sure... we have our moments where he makes fun of me or i rag on him, but we've never had a FIGHT. all our arguments are worked out so well and we move on wonderfully.
***
and i think i'm going to go to a caroling party in my neighborhood. with teddy and the neighborhood kids. doing wholesome things like that really makes me so happy sometimes.

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