looking at pictures.
it's funny how i looked the same when iw as a freshman but i was so different on the inside. so inexperienced, and i still really am- but to a lesser degree.
I had to take pictures down off of my wall the other day because the builders were going to put another door to connect to my brother's closet and a window. And I saw these pictures from 8th grade, dances with Lauren, Abbie and Lisa and all the random boys...Tim, Zack, Ivan, and it faded into Summer with Shelby and Allison into fall of freshman year with Marlee, Laura Rubin and Nate. And I realized... chapters in life are just like chapters in a book.
In a well-written book, they melt together. You pay no mind or have any feeling towards it when one chapter ends, because another is there, serenely and smoothly connecting the book together as a whole. It's a good book, it's a good life.
I've never really looked back and wondered. Just like I never read Harry Potter and said, gee, wonder what would have happened if Harry had never told off Ron a hundred pages ago? Because the things that have happened- all in those many pages, paragraphs, pages past- they are the sum that have made me who I am, where I am now.
I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm not the most liked person. In fact, lately it feels like most people hate me. I can just tell in the way that they don't really talk to me, and when they do, they're very rude. And it's alright, I don't base my self worth on their wrong judgements and opinions of me. I've got things going for me, I have a plan for my life and I hold strong in that. I know myself better than anyone and most of the time I really like myself. I'm comfortable with how I look and most of the time I'm comfortable with my body. I like signing along to music, even though I can't sing very well. I like my thoughts. I like how I can just connect to things sometimes. I like how I'm so in love with my boyfriend, but I don't let that dominate my life or my time. I love seeing my friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
it's hard sometimes, being confident in your own strength. When you smile at people in the halls and they don't even notice you. It's alright though. I've gotten waved at and just not seen the person. Sometimes it gets to me when I walk by a friend and they look away, who knows why? I think- maybe they think I just talk a lot of trash on Hillary. But not to THEM- if I say shit about Hillary it's to a select few people, not to just any person I see walking around. I know Hillary says stuff about me too, it's a given. Just how things are. We don't like each other and that's that.
But then again. It's a weak, selfish person who won't open themselves to others to save themselves from repercussions that they aren't even sure are there. and I know that's true because I've done it. Just one of those character traits that needs worked on sometimes.
And then I look back at 8th grade- not in the way that I regret anything I did, or would want to change something. I really thought a lot in 8th grade. I had a lot of time somehow to reflect on things I did, and even though I just worried so much about other people and if they really hated me or not, other things were going on in and around myself that I wasn't aware of until later. The whole sef-discovery thing.
That topic was always close to home, close to my mind and yet so foreign. Self discovery, what's that? I'm Liz Hartman, I'm a girl, I like purple and I like to see my friends, I like to laugh. Who am I?
Who are you?
And I think maybe sef-discovery is not something you can write like that. It's a confident feeling of worth deep inside yourself, as if you mean something and have power to do great things.
And you sit and think about these great things you want to do. They're called DREAMS. That annoying word we hear every day "go for your dreams! don't kill that dream! reach for the stars, there you will find dreams! shove them dreams up your ass!"
I was sitting in chem the other day- completely bored out of my mind, and thought about how great it would be if I could somehow make world peace. Like a real diplomat. I thought about how nomatter what religion or ethnicity you are, what country you're from... you're still a human being. Bin Laden is a human being. Don't the Taliban have favorite ice cream flavors and like to laugh and joke too? Maybe all they'd need was to realize how precious life really is. How their life can be so important and meaningful if they
would only realize what they are capable of doing, all the good nice things they could do. Instead of send people over here to kill Americans, you'd think they'd rather rule their country in peace and harmony, and reach the point of prosperity where all is well.
Maybe there is an Iraqi girl out there thinking the same thing about America. Why are American soldiers stamping through our towns, glaring at us? Why can't they leave us be? Why are they forcing their government upon us? Can't we just coexist without being the same- what is wrong with such a heterogeneous mixture?
And guess who knows the answers to all those questions?
No one.
And I sat there, in chem. thinking, wow, and all this time I wanted to be a model. what difference do models make, besides donating some of their rediculously high salaries to youth organizations?
So I don't know what I ultimately want to do. I want to see the world and America. I want to go to a smoky little bar and listen to some tired jazz. Drink something "on the rocks".
And I think- there is so much out there to do that going to college can't help you with. Of course, I'm going to go to Penn State. To appease my parents, and I think that it would benefit me to have a higher education, incase my peace efforts, or my seeing the world somehow just doesn't work out.
It makes me feel better about NOW to think and muse about the future. I guess it's real hard to know that people don't like me and have negative opinions of me, but I need to realize; that does not MAKE me.
I'm Liz Hartman. I'm a free spirit, I like the sun and I like the rain. I like my cats. I like Edgar the caterpillar who has been released into the wild. I like my job and I like my co workers. I like my lunch period. I like driving to a fun song. I like spending time with my friends and my boyfriend. I like doing math problems sometimes. Sometimes. I like reminiscing in a positive way, to realize how experiences have helped me to grow into a more mature person.
I like knowing that it only gets better from here...

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