Penn State. NYU. Pitt. Drexel.
Teddy got a course registration book the other day. It said "2005-2006" on it.
As if the air around me had disappeared, I stopped and stared at the 6. at the end of the 200. That 6 I've seen on numerous T-shirts and pencils and other such things throughout my whole life. The unreal year of complete change and independance.
NYU is my wet dream. My fantasy. NYU is for the creme de la creme of the creme de la creme. Not for me.
Mom suggests drexel. If I decide I'm into fashion design- after my class and some experience doing it myself, then it will be a consideration.
NYU is my DREAM. I can't even emphasize that enough. It lives in the back of my mind, it won't die. It won't go away. Any image I see of the city, I think... what heaven. NYU. And I couldn't go to another college in New York- It would be like just settling for something less. As if I failed, which I would have.
I don't plan on being with Matt for the 'rest of my life'. I won't put myself under that misconception that somehow things would work between our lives going across the United States- it's a sacrifice neither of us should have to make, seeing as we're not soul mates or anything. RIGHT now, Matt makes me incredibly happy and he means so much to me. But the future holds vast and different, exciting things. If it's meant to be, or something to that effect, it will just happen. Fate will decide- I won't go against where my life SHOULD go.
Pitt. I love Pittsburgh. I grew up there. What do I know about that university? Next to nothing, that's what. I'm actually at the site right now- trying to figure out if my average grades and test scores will be good enough.
They wouldn't even be good enough for penn state if I wasn't coming from state high.
I look at my buddy list. I think about how people upset me sometimes, people throw accusations at me and talk about me. Then I think. FUCK PLAYING THE VICTIM and I'm SERIOUS THIS TIME. YOU- all- can say what you want about me. I invite you to waste your time, go running up to someone- in a crowd, go find them and tell them all I've said about them, and then say "liz, that bitch creates so much drama". go spread some falso rumors, I dare you.
Highschool isn't worthless.There are so many shaping occurrences during these years, falling in love, being hurt, learning about yourself through your experiences with others. This isn't worthless, none of it is. It teaches everyone to be stronger.
With the realization of the truth comes a strange sort of confidence.
I need to fall back onto myself. I need to remember that I'm really good at writing. And that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, I had a 4.1 freshman year.
I need to never depend on anyone. I feel worthless without friends sometimes, and that can't happen. Anyway, I have friends. I get paranoid about them sometimes, I think maybe they secretly hate me- but I'd hope that if that were the case, they would be mature enough to tell me if they had a problem.
Paranoia is acquired fear, by someone who has already been hurt, already been shocked and upset by things. I don't want to be like that anymore. I've had lots of friends who weren't really my friends, I've had bad things said about me, but I've said bad things about people.
In this mess of ramblings is me, looking for my life. Matt won't always be around. I might not even go to Penn State...some people I just want to get away from anyway, I don't need more highschool after I've already earned my four years. Hard knocks can only go on for so long before you get way too bruised by them.
And somehow I come back to what Sasha said in 8th grade. I pretended like I believed it but I really didn't at the time. She said something like "Not everyone is going to like you, deal with it"
and I was like, that's true, uh, I know.
And to very recently! I STILL wanted people to like me, athough it didn't bother me to QUITE an extreme when they didn't.
But lately, with all this future realization and my life closing in on itself- as in, I'm acquiring one- when people dislike me and say rude things- I realize that it only affects me when I happen to hear about it. Nothing happens, no bombs go off, only I can lower my grades, only I decide which colleges to apply to and which majors and minors to select. And why does it ever affect me? Because I let it, I think, Oh gosh, what will people think when they hear that Lauren had sex with Matt, what will people think of me when they hear that I said thisthisthis....
WHAT people, anyway?? What people think what? People I don't know? People who don't directly, or even indirectly affect me?
My boyfriend? no. My best friends? no. My teachers? no. My PARENTS? no.
oh wait
no people-
think anything-
and if they do, i don't know about it because i don't know THEM.
I don't think I want to read anyone's diaries anymore. It's either...something I don't really care to read about, something that a friend should have told me but instead wrote about it in her diary and that's how i found out which sucks, or trash about me which is always nice. except not really.
and the real world really exists outside of state college and away from the computer screen.
snowed in today. sucks.
watched a lot of movies. gonna go do homework now.

0 comments so far