all is well.
other than my nose bled at work, what the hell kind of disease is this?
i'll bet the only thing i'll get from matt for valentine's day is this cold.
and a lot of confusing but good things have been going down. i had no friends for a few days. it was really my turn though, so it's all good.
i was just real frustrated in my last entry.
Hillary and i are cool. and it's really great. maybe we won't be friends again, maybe we will..but if we don't, it's alright. we have a lot of good memories and atleast now we're very decent. and that's really good.
well, anywho, on to the topic that i always seem to talk about
is it bad when i see all these couples being so in love and cute and it makes me cry in a bad way?
honestly i don't know where things are going with matt. when i said he was my best friend, i meant it. sometimes he really is there for me and very caring, ... but my heart feels so broken all the time. probaby because it is in his posession and it doesn't seem to matter to him anymore
and i tell him i think his feelings have changed.
I'm PMSing though...maybe i'm just imagining it.
that's it.
that has to be it.
i'm only imagining how happy he was to see me when he was drunk, and how he used one limp arm to hug me when i left after we had sex. i'm only imagining how irritable he gets. i only imagine the deer in headlights stare i get when he looks at me, versus the soft smile that I see so rarely now. I'd give the world to hear him say something little and sweet like he used to... "I really wish I could see you tonight"-HEY why dont i pull open some old convos?
it's so hard to read these. nothing's the same anymore.
"GreeenDay22: i missed the hell outta u tho"

"THpandex4U87: because i suck
THpandex4U87: but it's alright
GreeenDay22: no u dont!"
now he'd just be like... uhh why do you say that.

"GreeenDay22: that was so hard to leave u
GreeenDay22: i just wanted to stay forver"

...is this even the same person!??!?! i cant even believe im reading this, what happened to that matt? i miss him so much, i wish he'd come back and love me again.
"GreeenDay22: haha i love saying your my girlfriend...
GreeenDay22: i love how you smell
THpandex4U87: i love how you smell tooooo
THpandex4U87: everything about you is perfect
GreeenDay22: no everything about you is perfect"

"GreeenDay22: i love how ur my girl and noone elses
GreeenDay22: makes me laugh at everyone else because they dont get to have u and theya re all missing out"
i always remembered that one. it's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.

"GreeenDay22: that woudl be cool......
GreeenDay22: if
GreeenDay22: u
GreeenDay22: were here"

"GreeenDay22: well i liked them botht eh same because i got to hold u tight and kiss you at both so i was happy at both....altho at the car i was kinda sad i had to go
GreeenDay22: but happy to be with u"

"GreeenDay22: i cant see us getting mad at each other tho"
i wish...
... i can't do this anymore, i can't stay with someone who's only a shadow, a glimmer of someone I love.
i don't think i've cried this much in a long time. it was so painful looking at all of that and realizing that it's over. that part is over and now all i have is just... this. something i'm holding on to so tightly that it's just slipping away.
sometimes it's alright. sometimes we get along.
it can't be over....
?

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