I love Matt Freiji.

and sometimes it sucks.

sometimes it's awesome.

but lately it's sucked most of the time.

only because it hurts so much.

and I tell myself, maybe I ought to get over it

but

get over love?

You can get over a crush..get over the butterflies you have in your stomach when you see an attractive face. But someone...someone who you'd do anything for? including looking around in a messy closet for a lost Wendy's hat so you're late to school. someone you'd skip third period to talk to, when you know you're on schedule watch. someone you'd buy food for when you generally hate lending out money.

someone you'd drive across the country for at 3 in the morning if they called you crying.

someone you'd forgive for the most henious actions if they were sorry enough.

someone you'll always support 100% nomatter what they choose to do. whether it be live alone when they're still in highschool, or anything else.

someone you always want to talk to and learn more about.

someone you wish felt the same way about you, but you think they might. but you're not sure. and you wish you knew without a doubt all the time like you used to.

....you don't GET OVER that. you just get used to the feeling of loss once it's not yours anymore.
I could go on about the things I love about him.

but I'm so afraid that he just donesn't feel that way about me like he used to, so I don't...feel right? being sweet to him anymore? He NEVER says he loves me, and that's a fact. tonight when I told him I loved him when I left his place, I'm prett say sure I heard him say "me too."

but we talked away from everyone. I told him it really hurt me that he wouldn't come over, and that it was"n't fair because half the time I don't feel comfortable at his place, but I forget that to see him, and I wish he'd do the same for me. He said he didn't know it mattered to me that much.

And, he couldn't find his phone, which explained why he hadn't picked up all night...but why didn't he ever call me? I'm pretty sure I never said couldn't hang out, in fact, I told him I wanted him to come over and he said he didn't think it was a good idea...how does that translate to me not being able to do anything?
if he DID think that, he obviously didn't care much.

he used to say, all sheepishly "...but I want to see you."

it just feels like he's slipping away. and I'm so weak to it. in my head I know I should just fight for it, to suck it up and not feel weak...but I keep getting these flashbacks, of everything. All the awesome times we had and everything he ever said and di that meant anything. I think I cry every night now, it's just normal. Tonight when Lauren and I were in Baby's, I stopped and got this sudden flashback of him and I from when I thought I was pregnant (but I was actually being moody and PMSy), and I was just upset and worried and he was so sweet and funny and made me feel better. He always could make me feel better.

I just heard the Ghost Train. Sigh, another story for another day.

I guess I'm finally realizing that things will never be the way they were and I need to stop hoping maybe he'll get a car and it will all change. There will be no more...Matt coming to get me, and we go do something nice, like get food and see a movie. No more going back to my house and hanging out in my basement and just laying on a couch and being in love. No more of that.

I only have my memories. Like a photo album in my head, something that makes me so sad and happy at the same time so I just cry. I remember sitting on the floor of the hotel room and sharing a clove and burning his pants, I remember walking downtown and seeing his parents in their jeep and feeling strange about it. I remember being IN the jeep and freezing then racing the jeep and we almost killed ourselves and every time he tells the story he kicks my ass even more. Hmm? I remember how awesome he always made me feel, how special and important and loved. I remember over the Summer, leaving my house and going to buy cigarettes- but he was 17 so we had to go to some little seedy gas station. I had a plaid skirt on and I thought it was cool.

I remember how well we'd get along. We'd talk and laugh and be so close and know each other so well, even when I first met him...we just clicked.

I remember when we drove around with Sarah and Lauren, and how I tried to explain to him the color of this car I saw. It was blue, so I was pointing at the sky and saying "that blue!" but there were a thousand blues so there was no way he could have known. and when he dropped us off at my car and drove away he smiled at me..and I smiled back. it lasted for a little while as he drove off. I didn't know him so well at that point, and I was amazed at how comfortable I was at keeping eye contact with him for a long period of time, because that usually makes me nervous.

I can't do this!!! Why do I keep doing this to myself! remembering all the good times we had, all the amazing wonderful things we did and said to each other, all the Firsts I had with him, all the feelings I'd never, ever experienced before and it blew me away.
My heart is absolutely broken and I have no idea what to do about it.

0 comments so far