Today was emotionally exhausting.

I've come to accept that I'll just never understand some, or most people. I'll never know why people make things up or why people lie. I'll never know why people do insane drugs that cause them to unconsciously squirm/unnaturally slouch as they talk even when they're not under the influence. I just won't ever know so many things.

I went to Matt's after school. I had just not gone to Chem 8th period, everything caught up to me and I went to the nurse's office. I wrote and cried and some kid I've seen maybe once or twice before was in there with me and he looked annoyed. I wasn't being loud or anything. I just wasn't completely silent.

After the whole period, my emotions reminded me of getting my ankle iced at track. At first there was so much pain and I couldn't handle it, I'm a wimp. It was stabbing into me and it felt so wrong that I should have that ice there. After a while, however, I couldn't even feel my ankle, as if it wasn't there at all.

That's how I felt inside when I left the school. It was somewhat comfortable and horribly upsetting at the same time, but I was so numb that it didn't make a difference, so I just drove. And thought. What am I going to accomplish? What do I want? I kept repeating images and sound clips of things that might possibly happen inside my head.

I pushed him away so much and I actually cried. I've never really cried infront of him before, the kind where it's obvious.

I don't want to get into detail anymore. I don't like anyone at all knowing about Matt and what happens. I don't even know what the real story is, sometimes.

It's so hard to trust people. I know everyone says that, and I always thought it was so dumb when people would say that because, doesn't everyone talk about themselves every day anyway? But then I realized that, yea, everyone tells people things about themselves, but giving your opinion is different than opening up and baring your soul.
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or however you'd say that talking is different in comparison to making an actual connection.

It's just real hard to trust anyone. My friends tell me they can't trust anyone either. I used to get upset by that, because I thought,...can't you trust me? But, it's not even personal. It's not 'I can't trust YOU', it's -

I can't even explain it but I know everyone understands. I'm happy I do.

Sometimes another person can be really trusted. I've come to find this usually happens in male-female relationships, when my friends do say they trust someone, it's usually a guy...which is normally the same for me.

I have some ideas as to why this is. Girls often betray each other, it just happens. it has happened to me and I've done it to other girls. I'm really ashamed of it even though it felt so right at the time. I'll probably do it again too. All I can hope is that I learn from past mistakes and situations like that can be avoided.

Guys don't generally confide in each other. Maybe there are a few exceptions, but girs are just... more open sometimes.

and so guys and girls like to talk to each other, because guys want a deep friend, and girls want someone they can trust. so it really works out, and I'm happy for it. But I wouldn't want just guy friends. I really value my girl friends a lot, even if we sometimes can't trust each other, and even we get really upset with each other. It's always right in the end.

anyhow, matt called and I am off to see him. After today, things have gotten much better.

what's that old saying? You have to go through hell to get to heaven? I forget...

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