you made me such a strong person. I'm not sure if I had ever believed in myself as much as I did when I was really with you. You told me I was beautiful and smart, and when you didn't just SAY those things, you acted towards me in a way that proved you believed it. I got so much respect and love from you and I did anything to return the favor. It was absolute heaven being in a relationship like that, where you believed in each other so incredibly much and adored everything about one another. Now it feels as if you're chipping away at what you created. Either consciously making me feel like I'm not good enough so I'll stay with you and not try for anything else, but I don't think that's it. I think you don't know you do it, you don't know how you make me feel. You don't realize how your feelings have truly changed and you are constantly hurting me. I get visions of just being with other guys at the same time and hurting you back, not so you'd find out about the others or anything I'd do, but so I'd feel better. As if I'm not an idiot who remains faithful to one of infidelity. I think sometimes, 'All these frustrations with you could just go away' if I released them with some small form of cheating. To think I've hurt you too. But then I think, when you hug me and it seems like you mean it, and you tell me you love me when I ASK you now, I have to motherfucking as you if you love me to hear it. Anyway. I think about that relationship, us hurting each other. Everytime I'd feel unloved or betrayed I'd go to someone else to get an extra dose of affection, even if it was superficial. You're really like a drug. I need your high, I need your love- and I am constantly suffering withdrawal and I cry everynight thinking about the good times. I could make myself cry right now if I wanted, but I've gotten really good at not crying when I feel like it, because that's most of the time and I don't want to cry most of the time. A few nights ago we were sitting on your couch and you remembered the day we went onto campus with soda and candy and laid in some random patch of grass in the middle of a walkway. I was psyched and just so ecstatic that you remembered something, anything, about how we fell in love, but I didn't let you see that. I always remember things- just like when your life is ending you see flashbacks, now that this feels as if it's ending, I constantly see us driving in your car and walking downtown and going to starbucks and all those things we'd do that were so simple and nothing crazy but I loved. And I remember all these times and how you were my world and now you're my addiction, and I think- I can't go cheat on you. I can't hurt you like that. What if there's still hope? What if you'll somehow love me again like THAT, maybe you'll somehow have lots of respect for me again and make me feel beautiful and smart and perfect like he used to. Maybe I can do the same for you again. I can't shake that hope, I can't make it go away even if it's completely in vain. I can't throw away the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and it hurts me every day, every hour, every minute, to think that you probably could. How you just easily took me breaking up with you yesterday, how painful it was to make sure we were actually still together. How when I asked you if you loved me, you were just like "yeah". I may as well been asking you if worked tomorrow! That's the kind of casual response it was. I just talked to you. When you said bye, you said my name all small and cute-like and it made me kind of happy. You used to make me crazy happy, like when anything bad happened, fuck it, I had you. I wish I had that back. It's unreal to think I wouldn't be with you anymore. ..."
I can't think of a good way to end that. My mind started wandering onto other things and now I want food.

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