so tonight I hung out with Matt.

I smoked some, which I don't normally do. When I'm high... all of my mental walls come down and I can just think. I had already talked to Matt earlier about us, how I wanted things to go back to me and him, not me him and everyone who wants a comment, to affect our relationship. I just want it to be us, intimate and close, like it always used to be and like it should be.
He drove my car when we went to get pizza and I cuddled up on him and just talked. Instead of making a fight about everything and getting upset and putting him down to get my point across, I ,....just TOLD him how I felt. I told him I loved him more than anything and that I was sorry about how I'd been acting, how I made a fight out of everything and I really was being irritable and mean. Given I don't think I was being mean when I cried to him about how hurt I was because I thought he cheated on me, otherwise than that, yesterday just seemed so wrong. How we fought on the phone and had awkward moments at Ed's.
I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes on the ride downtown and it was just wonderful. He played with my hair and rubbed my shoulder like he always used to.

and the green light!!!! There is this light!! that we go to everyday to get to school, it's one of the streets that goes through atherton so it's not usually green. Every morning right as we turn onto the street that leads to that light, the light is green and turns red as we get there. Sometimes we get by if the lane perpendicular to us gets to turn left, so we can go right, but usually not. Today...we made the green light!!! For the first time ever and I was just so happy!!! I thought it was really symbolic because for the first time in so long I felt purley happy and loving towards Matt and I could tell he felt the same way back. I was all happy about the green light and he said... 'aw look at you, you're all cute'

And everything about tonight just made me smile and realize that for the past few days I've been PMSy and moody and not seeing reality at all, or wanting to. He paid for my pizza and I even offered him money to compensate and he wouldn't take it. All of a sudden everything made sense. Why he had acted the way he had towards me, why we fought. It's not ALL my fault, but one of us just needed to show the other that we could be in love still. One of us had to let our guard down, and I did, so he did, and tonight was amazing... I felt just so in love with him all over again, like dejavu, tonight felt like it could have happened months ago.

We stopped at Ed's. Pat was there. Honestly, his brother is so hot and just mysterious, and wants me. But I really love Matt. as hot and mysterious and intriguing as Andrew is, I just can't. Matt means the world to me. I still love every single little thing about him, the way he breathes and his hair and his eyes and his lips and his little red spot that isn't acne on his right cheek. I like his weird ass and how he walks and his voice. I'm just absolutely infatuated with him, I always have been and was too scared to let it show, I was constantly pushing his hands away when he wanted to hold me and resisting kisses. I wouldn't be suprised if he thought I didn't feel the same way anymore when that was what I was accusing HIM of. No. He felt the same way all along.

and for the record, if anyone is reading this, nothing happened between him and Caitlin. I have 100% faith in that, I don't know why she made it up..jealousy? She did always want him and she never will have him, so she made up nasty rumors. They are NOT TRUE, she never did anything to or with my boyfriend. So everyone needs to stop thinking that. If you DO think that it happened, and you're her friend- how could you trust her? Some friendship.

Matt is mine. And it's not like..he's my man, he's hot, the end. It's like..every single little thing about him, his experiences and his wonderful mind and all his quirks and his sense of humor and his faults- they're all linked to mine. He's my only one. The way he smells makes me high. as soon as it hits me, it's like "Matt...<3"

I'm not with him because he's hot. Given, he is VERY hot and I've always thought that and I think he looks even better right now than he ever has, infact I think he's just gorgeous and perfect- but sometimes I wish he was ugly. So I didn't have stupid jealous bitches like Caitlin goin off on how they "did stuff with him" to make themselves feel cool when they're not, they just...want people to think they're a slut for doing things with their friends' boyfriends? I don't know! Haha stupid slut. All I can say is, she has good taste because my boyfriend is fucking awesome. Too bad he's...mine.;-)

I'll say that to her face, I don't care who knows I think it or that I said it in here, it's no secret.

Tonight Hillary and Lauren came over to Matt's. it was just Goins, Matt and I there. Simpson WAS there, but he left. It was a really fun time, everyone got along so well. Hillary got her hair cut and it looks really good, and Lauren's tummy is burnt. I think I'm going to work out then tan tomorrow with Jess Thorpe after CCD...ahhh.

All I can say now is. I left Matt's tonight completely happy and smiling at the sky, and I wasn't even high anymore. Matt and I are in love again finally and I couldn't be happier. My friends get along with his and that's amazing.

There will be no break up and I will have the most wonderful valentine, the first year I'll ever have one. I just love him and I hope nothing can touch our relationship anymore. I told him I only wanted him and I to influence how things go, and they will.

I'm so happy and very in love with the same person for almost 6 months now. That's just amazing.

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