I wonder if Matt an I are still together?
my cell phone just sits there. waiting for him to call.
part of me doesn't even miss him, at all. Well. I miss HIM, I miss MATT, but I don't miss Goins. I don't miss ANY of those useless people that I can live without. I don't miss hearing shit from megan or caitlin. I don't miss the fights.
but I miss the love. So terribly much. I miss how much I used to mean to him. a few months ago, he'd have stopped inviting them in, I know it. Not now though, cos the only thing that matters to him is appeasing Goins. He's turned into a mini-goins and it's annoying, cos all goins wants to do is smoke and sit and watch tv. don't normal people usually go places every once in a while? i dunno.
well, we're all goin to ed's tonight. hillary, laura, lauren, hatchet, keith, others...all the cool kids. I hope Pat's there..in that instance, I will call Andrew. who will hopefully come accompany me.

part of me doesnt even want to go out. i mean, i cried myself to sleep last night. thinking about how we were so in love, and now he is constantly bringing large numbers of girls over all the time AND I JUST HATE IT!!!! I JUST HATE THIS!!
but i need to calm down, i need to be strong, i need to be strong.
i need to tell myself how awesome i am. i need to tell myself that i can do this, that i can bear it if we're not together. that i can bear it if i hear about him messing around with random girls and i can bear it if he ends up with jasmine. (who has a boyfriend, but you never know).

and i think about his eyes and his smile, and his lips and his voice and how infatuated i am, or was, with him.

and i guess i don't know! and i dont want to think about it. i won't call him. he needs to show that he misses me and that he cares. by calling me.

who knows

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