My parents have been out of town for a little while now.

I haven't been 'living it up' or anything, cos there's someone staying with me. And really, I don't MIND it...she's pretty cool. Her name is Sophia and she's a senior in college. She lets me do what I want within reason, things like going tanning and seeing my friends. I don't get hassled everytime I walk into the room, and it's nice. It's nice just being able to do normal things that I want to do without hearing "CLEAN THIS" or "ARE YOU DOING THAT THING I TOLD YOU TO DO?? WHATEVER IT WAS??" or "YOU CAN'T GO OUT BECAUSE THERE'S A CLOUD IN THE SKY AND THE CAT IS ON THE COUCH. DON'T ARGUE, THAT'S HOW IT IS. BECAUSE I UH SAY SO". It's just so annoying! and I'm really happy to have the freedom from all the fights and anger my parents cause when I ask to simply go to Matt's or something. Sophia's like...whatever. and she lets me come home past curfew which is very cool, although my parents are normally sleeping at that point anyway.

And...without someone around constantly hassling me about my grades and telling me I need to shape up or something, and telling me what I can't do and who I can't see and when I have to stay home... I've actually found initiative to do my homework all week, not that I didn't before, but I was doing it for ME. without them being here, I didn't constantly feel like I was just doing it because I had to otherwise I wouldn't have the car. I did it for my own success and that felt really nice. I actually worked really hard on some things and did an awesome job. It's a warm little feeling knowing you're doing something good for yourself.

life would just be so much better without parents at this point, thinking- as we are all on the brink of adulthood, that we still need their guidance. personally, I think they're realizing they are losing control. we're almost 18. We'll be gone very soon. So they restrict us so much. My parents actually called Sophia, FROM THE CARRIBEAN, -like they'd GIVE a shit- saying "ELIZABETH IS NOOOOTTT ALLOWED SLEEPOVERS"... because they want to show me they still are able to exercise their control over me nomatter where they go. I don't even think they really care if I go on a sleepover, I mean, they're in motherfucking 75/80 degree weather, on a beach, with their friends. why even call at all?

I feel so sane without them. Honestly, I think they're most of the reason I get so stressed and paranoid and angry inside...they drive me to all these insane emotions with their constant picking me apart and telling me what I can't do, and just putting a stress in the back of my mind... I always feel like I can't do ANYTHING, as if my parents are omniscient and see all.

I skipped two classes this week. One- math- which is first period so I signed in late...doesn't look shady at all. Two- fashion and tech, but apparently we had a sub. And I realized, the only thing you REALLY get out of that is loss of information. Yea, I don't like some classes, but it only makes it worse when I go back and have NO idea what they're talking about... precalc is like that. Chemistry... I've been lost for a while now, and I alwaaayyyss go to class. I wish that I could pick one class to not have to take, and that would be Chemistry. My GPA would just soar. My other grades are good. B's, maybe an A or two. Chemistry is just horrible and I don't like it at all. The teacher is alright, even though he's gotten me in a lot of trouble, I don't have a problem with him at all- I just donnn't like the material and the math, it's way over my head and damaging to my report card and my GPA in general.

the university of Marymount, Manhattan has been e-mailing me and snail-mailing me. I guess they liked my PSAT score. Apparently it's a liberal arts college, that has both psychology and sociology as a major. And some other cool stuff, including theater arts but I wouldn't go for that. I don't know about it, if it's a good school or not. Maybe I will visit, and go to their site. I'd like a school that is not very small, a moderate size. I'd like a challenging workload, but not an impossibly hard one. Looks like a trip to New York is in order, to check this school out. Who knows? NYU is still my dream college, well kind of. I guess I'm just opening my mind more now, and I'll definitely apply to Penn State. Who knows? It's a real rough decision...to live in the city that I'm absolutely infatuated with, but no absolutely know one- or to stay in a town that I'm about sick of with all my pals. Am I mature enough even to make that decision? How do you 'follow your heart' if IT doesn't even know what it wants? I just look at pictures of New York, and I'm captivated. The city that never sleeps. The CITY, real CITY. The kind of city where everyone is driven and I'd hope somehow for it to rub off on me. I'm just blown away by the culture there, in Chinatown, Little Italy, even in areas without a name.

Maybe my heart does know what it wants.

Speaking of hearts and whatnot...things with Matt have been very good. We saw Constantine on Friday and it was pretty entertaining, but it lasted really long and I didn't get to visit the dance marathon. I hung out with him tonight too, after being silly around campus with Hillary. "call me back, tina is pregnant" (was it tina? eheh)

Tonight Matt finally had his water bed fixed, so we went back into his room to lay on it. He was getting things together while I laid there, and we just talked and laughed like an old couple. Stupid little things he says and does just thrill me, how we interact is really awesome. Matt's got a great sense of humor and I really enjoy being around him-he's just such an outgoing person with a defined personality. Lately, he's been really trying to make things better between us. He's been a lot more caring towards me and has been finding ways to show that he really cares, and I told him tonight that I noticed it, and that I really appreciated what he was doing. It means a lot to know he'd make the effort. And I figured he'd like to know that I realized he was doing it, so he didn't just give up. He smiled really big when I said it.

A while ago, some people were bragging about how they didn't fall in love. How they just had sex for fun and not because they loved the person. Why? I don't understand. I love everything about Matt, I wouldn't have it any other way. How could you just...spread yourself thin over everyone, wouldn't you want one person to love all of you? Why is that a GOOD thing, that they can't fall in love? Being in love is just wonderful. It's the highlight to my days now, seeing him. kissing him. smelling him. He's the ONLY ONE... sometimes I look at him and think about all the boys in the past, how sometimes I'd be with someone but think about others. and marvel at how being with Matt is enough for me and how he's the one I want to be with and no one else. The Andrew thing really was just bad temptation that I fell upon when Matt and I had troubles. but Matt means everything- leaving no room for Andrew at all, so I haven't thought of him. Luckilly I never even hung out with Andrew really, let alone did anything with him, and I've still never cheated on Matt at all.

At the end of the day, he's still the one I want to go to, he's still the one I'd do anything for.

So okay, maybe some people don't want that. Maybe they just don't feel the urge to be close with another person and to care about them and be cared about. Maybe they just don't want someone to look forward to seeing every day...who knows? But I have that, and so do most of my friends.

But yea, if they wanna cheat themselves it's not my problem.

Anyway, I'm of to sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and that means nothing cos my parents still won't be here. so I will most likely sleep in, and do some homework and see my matta-yew.

goodnight.

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