I had supposedly signed off for the night when I looked down.

And there it was.

My real diary, my old diary, my upmost secrets diary, my 'oh no i lost it' diary, my 'Chris' era diary, the diary i moved in, the diary i taped pictures and letters into, the diary that i sprayed my old 'Westminster Social' perfume onto... The diary that knew me better then I knew myself.

found.

I opened it's brown cover to find my cheery cursive handwriting, Chris this, Chris that filled the beggining.

I was a happy person. I was a valley girl. I was lucky.

But near the end, as my time in USC drew to a horrible end... so did my glee. It was as if someone ran in with a sweeper and suckedup all my smiles and replaced them with tears. I cried A LOT about USC.

A LOT

more than I should have

Almost every night a bunch of little thoughts would trigger a big thought then I'd cry some more, in this once horrid apartment.

I don't mind it now.

But before.....

God help me he never reads this.

I missed Chris. I loved Chris.

I still miss him.... he was everything I'd evr want in a boyfriend. Funny, charismatic, nice, cute, easy to talk to...

he didn't give a damn that i always and forever will have this thing for him..... and he doesn't know now

and if he knew he'd probably block me aon AIM and laugh about me with Marc.

I miss Maria...... Maria was... vital. She was my confider, she was the light. The only one that understood me, I valued her more than life itself. Maria was in every way possible the definition of 'best friend'.

She never knew.

Emily was, just... cool. She was everything I wanted to be. Cool, popula,r pretty, funny and nice. I don't know if she ever really valued me, but on my list she was second only to Maria.

Jordan P...was.... someone that yuo don't come around often in life and if you do you're damn lucky. Nice, pretty, always full of compliments for everyone and didn't hate anyone. I don't know how she saw me.

They have effected my life. Enough to make me uncontrollably shake and weep over their loss. I still do, and I hate it.

I'm going to read the diary tonight. Maybe I'll put an entry in it here, on Dland.

0 comments so far