i'm copying off of Maria and using her New Year's thing. This was her idea and I am totally using it. You got credit, Mar!

I didn't understand the "firsts", so I'm going to move on to the

Realizations of 2001

�True friends last forever. If a friendship is worth losing, then that person was never your friend to begin with

�Around March 6, 2001, I realized that I was one of those people that can totally lose themselves in insanity, and then recover being perfectly fine.

�I can write...!

�USC was a living hell

�I enjoy debating

�The real world is harsh

�I daydream about things that make me happy when I'm bored or sad

�I have moods... my funny/sarcastic one is my favorite

�People are naturally mean, when it comes to matters of the heart.... or ego

�I used to be really obsessed with Chris Salera!

�Those who fight fire with fire usually end up burnt. I've been fighting fire with fire for so long and never realized it until... now.. whoa..

�I want abs! I want a tan!! RRRR!

�Maria is extremely important!!

�Everything is a test. Life is a test.

�Sometimes, things you do to find yourself make you incredibly lost

�I think about things all day, but when i go to write an entry in my diary, my mind goes blank

�Lanyard is amazing! Or atleast it was over the Summer, for I had no life

�Shrinks make you feel crazier than you really are

�I "loved" Fern for a while.

�There actually was a time when Ivan and I were normal friends.

�"Something" has been bothering me since September 3, 2001.

�I've done some pretty screwed-up things in my time...

�Boys are horrible.

�Then again, boys are fun, when you don't know them very well, and they don't know you very well, and the only thing you're setting out for is to hang out downtown for a while. They get horrible once they think they know you so well that they can... you get the picture.

�Life sucks a lot of the time, but when it's not sucking, it can be incredibly fun

�There's a thing called passion that I thought everyone, deep within their hearts, possessed. I was wrong. I have met some people that have less passion then Death Valley has water.

�I give in to temptation way too easily

Hopes for 2002

�I want a boyfriend, a real boyfriend, like Maria talked about. The kind I can talk to, the kind that is nice and considerate and respectful. I have already had shit boyfriends, I've already had my stupid fun and gone out with some real assholes. I've even had guys who weren't my boyfriends take serious advantage of me. It's been horrible. But... my very first hope, or atleast one of them, is to get a nice, real boyfriend sometime this year. I'd like it more than five pink poodles that smell like lilacs.

�Abs. I will work for abs... not so much a six pack, but a toned stomach, I guess.

�Continue to be social, and try to not be overly superficial about it.

�Totally tan and dye/grow out hair, working out over the summer means totally new Liz for highschool...

�Grow up. Mature. Soak in everything from life that I possibly can.

�Get mostly A's on a report card... I'm trying, I really am!

�Think of more hopes, I'm totally out of them.

Thanks...

�Maria� For just being there, and although it was painful torture, I did learn something when you refused to talk to me, I did learn something when you told me exactly what I was. Respect, it's called, and thinking that goes along with it. I'd trust you with my life.

�Amanda� You're a sweetheart! I totally love you forever, you were always there for me with a happy word and a smile, and that one dismal chat room, you came in and brightened it up right away. you rock!:-)

�Skater-Chick� You probably don't read my diary anymore, but, you're so... I don't know, there isn't a word for you. You're so... omniscient, I guess, very poweful in my eyes, you're so kind and sweet and you were so important to me when you used to sign my guestbook and we'd talk through our diaries and such. That really meant a lot. Thanks. :-)

�Fern� Odd, I'm thanking Fern! Thanks for getting me over Chris, it was interesting.

�Ivan� What can I say...? Thanks for being there, when you used to be there, I guess. I miss the Summer a hell of a lot, but, if I continute to look behind me, I'm never going to move forward, although it seems as if we're at a permanent halt right now. Or, atleast it does to me. I never know what's going on with you anymore, you barely talk to me. I can't ask you to though, because I'm not special or important like a few names I'd like to list here, but I'm not going to because it's called respect, much of which I have for you. Too bad it's not mutual. But... I don't want to diss you... I guess I can say, Summer rocked, and there were some times over these past few months I thought maybe we could be like that again, but. who knows what tomorrow will bring.

There are probably more people to thank, but I can't think of any now.

This is it

I can't write in here anymore. I can't use it like a real diary, because every time I find something interesting to write about, someone says "Don't write this in your diary please, my household pet reads it," or "Don't tell anyone!! My little brother's best friend's goldfish's tank's builder's boss reads your diary!" And so. I'm getting a new diary. I don't know what the username will be, I don't think I'll tell anyone what it is either. I might still write in here, but not often.

so.

People I don't know will know me better then anyone by reading it, people I'll never meet or even talk to will read some of those entries, and know for a fact the real me, psycho, bitchy Liz, who are actually opposites. I'm not the real me anymore, I'm just that BITCH nextdoor, I'm just that slut down the road. I'm not even allowed to write anything to back those self-insults up because I've been asked not to. I'm not allowed to write what I'm really thinking because people read this diary. People that are my friends, but... I don't know, I don't want to offend anyone, although I probably already have. There's so much anger and frustration inside of me, and recent events don't help at all. Take a guess, I'm not allowed to write about those either.

So, I'm off to face other things, things I know that are going to destroy me, things that are going to make me so happy, and things that ...

Things that make me hate myself, and again, I can't get into it.

I'm off now. Wish me luck, although luck isn't something that I'll need. What I'm going to desire most, to succeed, should be determination, should be sheer guts and drive, I hope I have what it takes.

For fear of what's to come, yet awaiting patiently for the future to reveal itself,

(_iz

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